Everyone
is entitled to their own opinion, so here are my thoughts on
the Adoption Issue - as seen through my eyes and my heart Adoption
is sometimes like a festering wound that won't go away or get
better.
You CAN NOT forget about it, it happened, it is there with you
all the time. Why do the authorities and families tell us to
forget about it and to get on with our lives? Family members
want to be able to forget that their little girl was pregnant,
but they never let her forget that she is the one that they
blame for bringing shame to them and to their families.
They are
the ones that sent their daughters away to be on their own away
from friends and family, away from the support that they so
desperately needed to bring a young life into this world, just
so the authorities could take it away. How supportive were these
family members that could do this to a young girl in the prime
of her life? How supportive are they now many years later, when
the young girls have had to suffer in silence and in pain?
So many questions… No one prepared to answer them….
It amazes me that even now that, in the year 2000, many women
(mothers who lost their babies to adoption), still do not have
the support of their families. Many are still classed as "sluts",
"moles", "tramps" etc., and they are still
treated like they are worthless, and selfish because of what
happened.
Their mothers do not talk to them, their families still do not
know, unless of course after many years, they have had the courage
to come out of that cupboard and break the silence. It isn't
until many years and after so much damage is done within families,
that we have the courage to talk about what happened to us,
perhaps as much as 20 to 30 or even many more years ago.
The authorities wanted us to forget so that they could have
a clear conscience. Thinking that they were doing the right
thing by stealing babies, telling young girls that their babies
had died or even going so far as baby selling, so that they
could make a buck or two, or because they believed they were
doing the right thing in the "best interest of the child".
What a joke
this has turned out to be. It brings me to the question - "whose
interest was being taken into account?" the child or the
authorities…. It is amazing in some instances that money
speaks louder than words… and authority figures became
well off in the community by making out that they were doing
good, by taking stealing babies from young mothers.
Many of the young girls who were coerced into relinquishing
their babies, or who were told that their babies had died are
still paying the price. Many still live in the hope that out
there is a young man or woman that they would one day find and
they pray that their son or daughter does not believe that they
were just thrown away like garbage that is not wanted. The authorities
did not tell us that we would be suffering for the rest of our
lives.
They did
not warn us that we would not be allowed to grieve, they just
told us to forget about it and get on with our lives. Easy said
than done…
They did
not offer support, financially or morally. All they gave us
was NOTHING but grief & heartache. The guilt that was put
on us, we have had to live with throughout our lives, it made
many of us, feel like we had no confidence, useless and we were
nothing to anyone.
Many a time we were told that no one would want us, as we had
fallen pregnant and brought shame to many people. I for one
am victim of this. I went through my life and married the father
of my son (who I was forced to relinquish in 1978) thinking
that no one would want me. I did not love this man, but married
him because I had no confidence in myself and knew I would never
find anyone else.
After many
years, many children (thinking I could replace the one I had
lost) and lots of heartache, I found that I had had enough.
Enough of being abused, being told I was ugly, useless and worth
nothing to anyone, I finally found the courage to tell him to
leave. It is amazing what you go through just so you are not
alone.
So much guilt, grief and heartache are all part and parcel of
this awful life sentence that our families and authorities have
bestowed on us.
Did the authorities warn the mothers who relinquished their
babies voluntarily that they would suffer the same pain? Did
they tell them to forget about it and get on with their lives
also? Only to find that they just could not forget their baby…
Open adoptions were not as open as they were made out to be,
and closed adoptions were supposed to be what they say - closed…
Regardless of what type of adoption, there was pain along with
the grief of relinquishing your child. I have met a few birthmothers
and adoptees that have been part of an open adoption, only to
find that this type of adoption was not what they expected.
All they wanted was to be kept informed and up to date with
letters and photos of their child as they progressed.
What harm
was there in this, well the adoptive parents in most cases disappeared
and left no trace as to where they were. There was but one meeting,
one photo, one letter and then nothing. No one could find out
where they had gone. No one has to worry about that now because
after many years of fighting to find her baby, the grief was
so bad that one birthmother / adoptee took her own life.
How sad
it is that the departments and the authorities could not handle
an open adoption that would best suit mother and child leading
to someone taking their own life because they could no longer
go on.
Families and authorities feel that they have managed to keep
that secret hidden, until one day that little girl has had enough
and finds the courage to speak out. She suddenly becomes a person
with the confidence and worth that was once taken from her by
the authorities and her family. In some cases it is the adoptee
that has had enough and wants to find out who he or she really
is and where his natural mother or father are. The adoptee also
wants answers - such as Why? Why did you give me to some one
else? Why did you not want me?
