Sensual Woman
A site for women run by women

According to Jiminy Cricket, "When you wish upon a star... your dreams... come... true” Or do they? Should they? What if they did? And, sometimes, aren't unfulfilled wishes truly blessings in disguise? "Be careful what you ask for! You just might just get it!” I heard probably umpteen million times while growing up. Yet it didn't matter, because in my tender young mind, wishes could come true, if only you believed and wished hard enough, with all of your heart!

When I was five, we lost all that we owned. Mom had divorced my father; a house fire took with it, every single piece of the lives that we once owned. All baby pictures, furnishings, clothing, toys, it was all lost, merely material things, some regained, some lost forever, but we were thankful to have escaped with our lives, thankful for our family that took us in and gave us haven and a chance at a new beginning.

With our new beginnings, I was introduced to Sunday School, sitting like a lady and sitting still. I learned about loving one another, about this wonderful man named Jesus who loved all the little children of the world! It was my favorite song!

Jesus loves the little children,
All the children of the world,
Red and yellow, black and white,
They are precious in his sight,
Jesus loves the little children of the world!

I never once doubted the existence of this Jesus whom I had never seen. My Sunday school teacher told me that he existed, and I believed her! Why wouldn't I? Sunday school teachers never lie. So, with my introduction to Jesus, came the routine of saying bedtime prayers and counting my blessings. "Now I lay me down to sleep", you know the one I am talking about.

New beginnings also introduced another new man into our lives. A stepfather, Daddy, the one whom would whisk us away to a new country with promises of happiness and financial security. What we found, instead were new beginnings of hardship, torment and abuses beyond our wildest imaginations.

"Jesus loves the little children... but... Daddy did not"

I kept Jesus close to me throughout the hardships in this new and foreign land. Saying my bedtime prayers were a comfort, because if nothing else, Jesus loved me, Jesus was my friend! My Sunday school teacher had told me so!

As the abuses mounted and our fear of Daddy deepened, my little brother and I seemed to turn to Jesus a little more than what we had before and Jiminy Cricket's famous song seemed to develop a new meaning for us. I still remember my little brother's toothless smile the first time I told him about Jiminy Cricket's song. We had been severely punished and locked up in the room that he and I were sharing at the time. I sang the song very quietly as he listened and his sobs subsided to a sniffling, cute smile.

"When you wish upon a star... your dreams. come.. true"

So, as Daddy's rage stung yet on our young bodies, Jesus and Jiminy gave us a promise of hope. My little brother and I vowed to each other that we would pray and make a wish every single night.

Even when moved out of my little brother's room and into "the girl's room", my bedtime prayers continued and I learned to wake with my own internal alarm clock, in the middle of the night, to tiptoe into my little brother's room, where I would gently pull open the curtains so that we could make our wish.. our wish on the very first star.

Two little children, with two very different wishes, we would scout the night sky in search of the first star. Holding hands, we would close our eyes and make our wish..

I can still hear my little brother's delicate voice as he whispered...

"Star light, Star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight
Please.. Please.. let Daddy die tonight"

I did not wish for Daddy to die, you see. I took my faith in Jesus, faith in my teacher’s words when she told me that Jesus loves me.. and I wished.. I wished what I thought was the answer to all of our problems.. the wish that would end our pain and fear of Daddy..

"Star light, Star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.
Please Jesus, take my brother and me to heaven with you tonight"

Then I would close his curtains, say good night, then slip into my own bed where I would smile and drift off to sleep, certain that my brother and I would wake up in heaven, where we could run and play and get hugged by Jesus, just like the little children were in the story books at church.

Night after night, tiptoes into my brother's room, wishes on stars and prayers to Jesus yielded no results. We woke in our own beds, my brother angry that Daddy hadn't died, I angry with myself that we didn't die, blaming myself because I hadn't wished upon the right star, or that I didn't wish hard enough. For two long years, I prayed and wished with all of my might, that Jesus take us to his heaven, and for two long years, each time I heard my brother's cries, or felt Daddy's rage, or watched as my baby brother near suffocated from having to wear his urine soaked underwear over his face for the entire day in the hot sun, I blamed myself.. for not wishing hard enough.. for not wishing upon the right star.. until the wishes were no more.. and the prayers were all gone.. and I simply crawled into my bed and drifted off to sleep.. certain that there would be no heaven for me.. and that my brother and I would wake to the fear of Daddy.. and fear of what the day would bring.

But, there is good on all of this. Faith in someone we could not see and the hopeful lyrics of an innocent song, gave comfort and strength to the two little children we used to be and, some how, carried us through some of the most turbulent times of our young lives.

"When you wish upon a star.. your dreams.. come.. true"

As a woman, Jiminy and his famous song, still hold a very special place in my heart. There is not one time that I look up at the night's sky and catch glimpse of the first star that I am not thankful to that crooning cricket and thankful that when I wished upon a star.. my dream.. did not.. come.. true.

Yes, some unfulfilled wishes are blessings in disguise.

Yes, some unfulfilled wishes are wishes come true.. from another wish, from somewhere, just for you.

Jesus did not take my brother and I to his heaven, my wish did not come true, but I am here, I made it, I am ok. Because I am here, I am able to reach out to you, to share my story, with a wish in my heart that you find the strength to share your own.

Do I still wish? Oh yes I do! Do you?

"When you wish upon a star.. your dreams.. come.. true"

~shanti~