Anxiety is not pleasant, I've experienced it, my partner Stuart experiences it and it appears that many people suffer from anxiety and anxiety attacks every day...
Shanti shares her experiences with an article she wrote for Sensual Woman called - Humiliate Breeds Anxiety...
I do suffer from anxiety. Large crowds and noisy places put a knot in my stomach and cause me to want to flee, to find a safe quiet place, out of the public's eye. Why am I this way and how will I ever overcome anxiety and feel truly free?
It has been years since the dreaded incident, but I know exactly when my fear of large crowds and being the center of attention occurred.
I was 18, overweight, insecure about my size and being the focus of a lot of people. My step sister, a family favorite, was tall, slender, not model or pageant material by any means, but in the eyes of her adoring Grandpa, she was a real beauty, deserving of awards and parades in her honor. To Grandpa, there was never, nor will there ever be anyone, as beautiful as Jenny.
The summer festival was not too far off and Grandpa wanted more than anything for Jenny to enter the beauty pageant, to be crowned queen of the Summer Festival, to ride in a royal chariot about town for all to see. But Jenny, wanting to enter the beauty contest wouldn't do so unless I entered with her. That's where my nightmare and humiliation began
Being quite overweight, tipping the scales at 250lbs, I refused to be entered into the *Biggest in a Bikini* contest, to be paraded around town like some type of circus freak. I insisted that the family stop bothering me, to stop treating me like a joke, to stop harassing me!
I was called "Coward, Party Pooper, Scaredy Cat, Poor Sport, No Fun" and was given the old cold shoulder treatment, after a lengthy speech on how terrible it was that I couldn't do this for Grandpa, because "He's old and not going to be around forever and seeing Jenny win would mean the world to him!" I was made to feel so terribly guilty that I caved to the guilt and said "Ok"
The humiliation began immediately when our endless search yielded not one bikini made for an obese girl. Jenny had a wide assortment to choose from and opted for a neon orange bikini to show off her stunning tan and bright white winning smile. She looked so pretty in it, I admit. Body-wise, she looked like a model deserving of a crown. Face-wise, Jenny was average, not pretty, not ugly, just ok. But given the fact that the Legion that Grandpa was a member of was going to be judging the pageant, Jenny was a sure win.
The day of the beauty contest, the family hustled and bustled around Jenny, hair dresser to do her long hair, special makeup party, oiling her skin so she looked so incredibly bronzed. Grandpa was so certain that Jenny was going to be Queen of the Summer Festival the he planned a huge party in advance, dancing, DJ, banquet, a party so grand in honor of his Jenny, the fairest one of them all. Where was I?
Well, me, upstairs in my bedroom, trying to squeeze my obese body into a scant bikini, cried my eyes out. There was no hairdresser for me, no special makeup, no fuss, no muss, just me alone, red eyed and sick to my stomach with fear of what the day would bring. I was terrified, embarrassed, wanting to back out of the beauty contest, but knew that if I did bow out, I'd never hear the end of it and Jenny would bow out too and it would let Grandpa and the family down.
Now that the grandstand, where the beauty contest would take place, all contestants, including myself, sat tucked away and out of sight in a large motor home. We went through the roster of contestants, *Smallest in bikini 6 entries* *Biggest in bikini 1 entry* *Festival Queen 8 entries* I sat mortified, my body flush and breaking out into a sweat. 1 entry for Biggest in a bikini, 1 entry meaning... me... alone... having to parade around the stage by myself… in a bikini, in front of a town full of people that I know. I thought for sure I'd faint. I wanted to run… I wanted to die just so I wouldn't have to go through with it.
Well, they called for the smallest in a bikini to enter the stage, their names were announced and as the adorable little 3-5 year old girls paraded around the stage, the crowd came alive with applause and *Awwwwwwwwwwwwww's and So adorable! So cute!*
Then came the moment of my dread, they announced for the *Biggest in a Bikini* to please enter the stage. I swallowed hard, bucked up my courage and stepped out onto the stage. There were no Awwwwwww's, no So Cute! No So Adorable! There was no respect for the 18 year old girl who was only doing this because she was made to feel so guilty for not wanting to do it, that she agreed, and had been kicking herself every second from the moment that she said, "Ok"
Instead of applause, I got "Booooo! Baluga! That's disgusting! Get the whale off the stage before she breaks it! Hey fat ass! That bikini is so tight you might as well be wearing nothing at all!" I froze to the sound of laughter, the desire to break out into tears causing my heart to pound and I held my breath and turned my focus to my mother's eyes, hoping that for one moment, she would understand what the guilt and cold shoulder had done to me, that she would see for herself, that I was changed, that the last shred of respect I had for myself had been crushed. That I was a laughing stock of the town.
To make a long story short, I did win the biggest in a bikini and a grand prize of $15.00. Jenny became Festival Queen, banked a thousand bucks and wore her crown so proudly as all winners were put atop a large boat and paraded around town. I, envious to Jenny's cheers and applause and *Woot! Woot!*, throated a fake laugh when pranksters threw food into the boat for me. Tears masked as laughter.
I know it was a long time ago, but the scars of it linger on. I must find a way to overcome anxiety and fear of large crowds. I want to live and enjoy life, large or small, fat or thin, unafraid of ridicule.
I am making the attempt in baby steps. One day at a time. Forcing myself a little each day to put myself into the public's eye and telling myself each time that just because someone is laughing, it's not at me.
Incredible how one incident can change your perception of yourself, change how you feel, how you interact. If only people would put themselves into each other's shoes to get a feeling of what the other person may experience if forced to do something that they know within themselves that they really can't do.
I am learning to say no and it is up to other people to learn how to accept it. I am learning to let go. As to loving myself, I'm not sure if I ever will. But I am working hard to be free from my anxiety, so that I can live and enjoy the rest of my life.
Shanti
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